NAME: mike francis artus
AGE: 36
SEX: male
LOCATION: lower east side, manhattan
OCCUPATION: finance consultant
1. What’s your favorite name for the vagina?
Mike: I think it’s just “vagina”. I love that word. Is there a better word in the english language?
RTP: Yes. Pussy.
2. What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever seen?
Mike: I’m catholic and I can’t answer that question.
RTP: What? Seriously?
Mike: Yeah, I’m a catholic. I can’t answer that.
RTP: Okay. I guess.
3. Who is your favorite cousin?
Mike: Obviously Paul, let’s be honest.
RTP: Who’s Paul?
Mike: You know Pauly.
RTP: No. I don’t know who that is.
Mike: Sorry for you.
RTP: Clearly.
4. What’s you sign?
Mike: Gemini.
RTP: I knew it. It figures.
Mike: Why?
RTP: Gemini’s suck.
Mike: Excuse me?
RTP: Don’t worry about it’s not your fault. There’s nothing you can do about it now. You might want to give your parents a call though and thank them.
Mike: Thank them for what?
RTP: Nothing. Never mind.
5. When was the last time you cupped and sniffed?
Mike: I have never.
RTP: You’re lying!
Mike: I’m not lying to you. I have not. I’m a good guy.
RTP: Are you gonna go home and do it?
Mike: No, I have better things to do.
RTP: Like what?
Mike: Go home and jerk off.
RTP: Fair enough.
NAME: rick heinsman
AGE: 40
SEX: male
LOCATION: auburndale, queens
OCCUPATION: layin low
1. What are your thoughts on rap music?
Rick: On rap or hip-hop? They’re two very different things.
RTP: Rap
Rick: I like the early stuff, I love RUNDMC, Beastie Boys, even Slick Ricks got some stuff. I can’t stand gangsta rap. It’s the scourge of society. I sound like an old man but it’s the truth. Bill Cosby hit the nail on the head.
2. How do you feel about girls with boy names, like Ryan?
Rick: I have a cousin named Ryan. I think it’s beautiful a lot of times it’s done out of respect for a deceased loved one. Even if it’s not I still think it’s kinda hot.
3. What exactly deters you from giving money to a bum?
Rick: There’s too many of them. I’d be broke. I’m a bum myself at least I made my fortune when I was younger.
RTP: Fortune? Doing what exactly?
Rick: Long story short, I made some money in the dot com era.
4. Fake boobs Yes/or/No?
Rick: No
5. Do you have any body art?
Rick: Just some scars from surgery.
RTP: What kind of surgery?
Rick: I had two steel plates and a steel rod installed in my left forearm.
RTP: Whoa? What happened?
Rick: I’d love to say a motorcycle crash but it was a sleigh riding accident when I was younger.
NAME: april
AGE: 47
SEX: female
LOCATION: parkchester, queens
OCCUPATION: makeup artist/hairstylist
1. You’re a hairstylist. How do you feel about the idea of the “clip-on” side pone?
April: Oh yeah! Definitely. Why not?
2. Do you think the side pone is making a permanent comeback?
April: Yes.
RTP: Do you care to elaborate on that?
April: Well, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen have kept the side pone en vogue. It’s a nice sexy, sloppy style. It looks good with a t-shirt and jeans.
3. You ordered sliders (mini-burgers) for dinner. How were they?
April: Delicious. That and the nachos are the only thing I come here for.
RTP: Not the predominately white male biz-cas? Weird.
4. I was your bartender. Be honest. How shitty was my service?
April: Awe! It wasn’t shitty at all. I know you’re busy, it’s okay. (side note: clearly I am not busy if I’m interviewing April) I’ve had shittier.
NAME: jessica heather faren
AGE: 24
SEX: female
LOCATION: miami, florida
OCCUPATION: wedding/bar-bat mitzvah photographer
1. Any big plans for your 25th birthday?
Jessica: If by big plans you mean riding a camel in Israel, then yes.
RTP: So, we obviously have a Jew on our hands here. Is this your first trip to the holy land?
Jessica: Yea, but way to jump to conclusions. You don’t know for sure that I am a Jew.
RTP: I do. I know you.
Jessica: Yea, but I don’t really practice the religion.
RTP: Denial is a serious illness. You’re going to ride a camel in Israel on your 25th birthday. I’d say you’re a pretty big Jew and I’ve met your father he’s like king of the Jews.
Jessica: That would make him Jesus.
RTP: If you wanna get technical than yeah it could.
2. Do you ever just want to pack your bags and hole up in a Holiday Inn for a few weeks with nothing but some 80’s porn, espresso and a pack of cigarettes?
Jessica: I’m going to be honest with you, I’ve never really seen a porn and coffee gives me the shits.
RTP: That’s unfortunate. There’s a whole new world out there waiting for you and I’d like to take you there. Well, not personally but you get it.
Jessica: What’s wrong? You’re not into Jews?
RTP: I’m not into the idea of being locked in a Holiday Inn with you. That’s my “me time” and I’d like to keep it that way.
Jessica: You can’t be serious.
RTP: What do you think I’m doing when I don’t answer your calls for weeks at a time?
Jessica: I don’t know. I usually just assume you got a boyfriend.
RTP: Nah. I’m usually just taking shots in a dark corner somewhere.
Jessica: I really don’t doubt that.
RTP: You shouldn’t.
3. What’s your ideal guy like?
Jessica: Starving artist look, unshaven. Guy Pierce in Proposition look.
RTP: Hold on, I need more paper. Okay, I don’t know who that is but basically you want someone who drastically limits their showering.
Jessica: I don’t know. I guess. I’m talking about like in westerns. So, I guess basically because I don’t think they have showers in the desert. I don’t wear deodorant or perfume so I have problem with men that smell better than me. You look like you’d agree with me by your ripped and stained t-shirt. I will assume we have the same standard.
RTP: Look, I’ve had a rough day. I have a plane to catch in a few hours. Get off my back.
Jessica: Yeah, real rough. I picked you up we went to lunch and I’m driving you home.
4. How do you think you would react if someone tried to rape you?
Jessica: Funny you should ask. I keep having this reoccurring dream where I try to deceive my attacker by acting like I am aroused by his actions. However, in all actuality I’d probably end up screaming “RAPE!!!!” and get stabbed.
RTP: Yes. You should always scream “FIRE!!!”. Fire is enchanting and people are drawn to it and will run and save you. Rape scares people and they will run.
